Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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