I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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