I got chris browned last night
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
