Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
