I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
