if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
