Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
