is wine microwaveable?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
