Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
