I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
