He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
