Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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