you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
