I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
