his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
