I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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