Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
my being single is dangerous.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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