Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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