I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She bit a glass in half.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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