Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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