that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Randomize
