I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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