I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
