I just threw up on my dentist
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
