There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
