Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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