This dress was meant to end up on your floor
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Floor bacon is actually really good
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
