so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
And then he peed in my hair
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