just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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