Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
50% drunk capacity currently
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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