Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
