i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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