tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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