Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
