What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
