It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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