I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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