i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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