so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
