I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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