Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
