He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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