dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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