Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
