You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
