btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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