gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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