Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
