my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
