Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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