My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
