I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
