We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
