What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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