my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
